mortality

the parents of my sister's best friend were over tonight for dinner, and afterward they and my parents and i sat around a fire talking late into the night. one thing that really caught my attention was talking about birthday's, and my dad mentioning that he doesn't want another one. (and by that, he just means that he doesn't want to get older, not that he has a death wish.) and i quoted back to him what he usually says, "it's better than the alternative." i'm not sure how true that is, for the Christian, but something really struck me about that tonight that hasn't in a long time.

every person who was in that room will die.

i don't consider my own mortality very often, but that was a bit of a wake-up call. i keep trying to motivate myself to do things, to not waste time, etc. and i think about how "i'll never live this moment again", and stuff like that, but it doesn't hit me too much, because i figure i'll have a bunch more, so wasting one moment, or one hour, or one day isn't a big deal.

but tonight, my eyes were opened for a moment. i felt what it would be like for each of these people, who i hold close, to be dead, gone, no second chances, no more time. and i thought about that for me.

i will die.

and that's kinda crazy to think about. but i think i've found something that helps me grip the reality that i only get one shot at this life, and the question i have to answer is "will i make it count? or will i waste it, just let it slide by?"

i want to make it count.

i want to burn out bright.

ever since december, i've had the song "for good" from wicked stuck in my head. particularly at the end, where they sing "i do believe i have been changed for the better; because i knew you, i have been changed for good." i want that to be true of me, that things have been changed for the better, that my life isn't a waste.

i want, "well done, good and faithful servant."